Vanessa Peters - Sparkler

the story behind sparkler:

we started recording this album during labor day weekend, thinking we could crank it out by thanksgiving. dreamers! this album took way more time and energy than i expected it would, but in the end, it was worth every second. 'sparkler' is about branching out, about being less afraid, about asking questions you don't dare to ask...and it's funny, because there were a lot of times during the recording that i panicked...i wasn't sure what to think of my solo acoustic songs suddenly turned into full-band sound. but it as it turns out, a lot of the 'advice' found in the lyrics was exactly what i needed to find the courage to finish up the album. and it helped that i was working with some incredibly talented musicians, all of whom left their uniquely brilliant touches on these songs.

so i hope you enjoy the album. it was, as we called the first of the recording sessions, a labor of love. there were days when i was positive it would never be finished. and it took many people willing to give many hours for it to finally come to life. i'm so grateful to them, and to you, for helping me along this musical path.

- vanessa

*let us go singing as far as we go; the road will be less tedious.* - virgil

you're losing me

you've kind of got this smirk on your face in the picture i keep by my bed maybe it was just the slant of sun in your eyes maybe just the thoughts in your head so sure you had me that you didn't need to try thought that maybe it was just enough that you were mostly a nice guy but i'm a sucker for all the things you won't give all the calls that you won't make all the late night "i hope you sleep tight"s that you don't even fake and baby, maybe you don't know it maybe you don't even care baby, maybe you don't know it but you're losing me you're losing me somewhere and it's funny how i've stopped counting time in the spaces between you and you and i put away all of the picture frames though i really didn't want to i folded up every letter nice and neat and sharp on every crease and put away to read a bit later on the front porch during winter's first freeze and yeah, it's a little bit sad but staying would only make me sadder and i've finally reached the bottom of this well i dug and now i'm reaching for a ladder and baby, maybe you don't know it maybe you don't even care but i'm giving you the heads up right now so you can't say that it's not fair and baby, maybe you don't know it maybe you don't even care baby, maybe you don't know it but you're losing me you're losing me somewhere

i wanted to ask you

i wanted to ask you am i someone you are curious about am i a chance you want to take i wanted to ask you but i didn't want to hear the answer so i watch and i wait and i wanted to ask you if you thought that i was pretty if i was someone you thought about at all i wanted to ask you but i didn't want to hear the answer so i watched that i didn't fall and i wanted to ask you but i didn't cause you can talk all day long about putting it out there and all the chances we should take but i know there are still a few bets too expensive for me to make we stayed up late on a rainy night in june and it was colder than late september we traded stories and we made them much more dramatic much more tragic to remember and we stayed up late but i wondered if maybe you've stayed up late anyhow if i'd gone on to bed we stayed up late but i wondered if maybe we'd fallen for something that was only in our heads and i wanted to ask you but i didn't cause you can talk all day long about putting it out there and all the chances we should take but i know there are still a few bets too expensive for me to make and you are mister positive thinker you wear the stamp of eternal optimist so then mister positive thinker can you tell me what the odds are on this? cause you can talk all day long about putting it out there and all the chances we should take but i know there are still a few bets too expensive for me to make too expensive for me to take too expensive for me to lay down and i wanted to ask you but i didn't i wanted to ask you but i couldn't i wanted to ask you but i haven't found the courage yet

july

i stay up late and watch the absence of stars in the sky and somewhere halfway around the world you're turning over with a sigh and the light is barely breaking through the window through your dreams of you and i at least that's how i prefer to think you spend hot mornings in july and i've come home to almost as much as i left behind and i've nearly got it back on track i've nearly got it right this time and if there's a way to turn metal to shine well it hasn't yet been found and all i need's for you to be here with me work your magic on this alchemist town and i've moved back in and i'm building from scratch but i'm surrounded by pieces i just can't seem to match and what a funny picture i must make up to my elbows in unfinished wood but i'd lay down here anyway to get some sleep if i thought i could and i've come home to almost as much as i left behind and i've nearly got it back on track i've nearly got it right this time and if there's a way to turn metal to shine well it hasn't yet been found and all i need's for you to be here with me work your magic on this alchemist town

rather bad day

i need someone to talk to but myself is never enough i'm the worst kind of needy trying to find answers on the inside of a coffee cup but the only thing i know for sure is that i spend too much on coffee too much time inside myself never trusting anyone else and it's finally catching up with me but how to get my head around this ridiculous idea of eternity well that's the problem i'm dealing with today the supposed promise that nothing i do can hurt me in a permanent way as long as i hold tight to what i believe in well what if i've forgotten what that is and what if i forget everything all at once and i'm standing here, blank mind, as you walk away you walk away the summer grass tall and hot and full of bugs crawling at my ankles and leaving little bites that we'll call love we call this love? but how to get my head around this ridiculous idea of eternity well that's the problem i'm dealing with today the supposed promise that nothing i do can hurt me in a permanent way as long as i hold tight to what i believe in well what if i've forgotten what that is

easy

i dare you to even argue this time cause it's clear there's no other conclusion and it's clear we've reached the end of the line but all that's there is confusion we sat on a park bench in late july and watched the landscape melt to hot white sky and we tried to figure out why we failed we failed and failed and failed but i would have given all i have to find the easy answer to this but there's no getting over or around this farewell kiss i send you postcards cause there's less space to fill with brilliant things to say to try and explain why we ended up this way and i burn and i burn all the letters and the places i send to you are hopelessly lovely cause they are places designed for two they're places you could build a life in but now i build mine without you and sometimes i still ask myself why i failed i failed i failed i failed but i would have given all i have to find the easy answer to this but there's no getting over or around all the things about you that i'm gonna miss all the things about you that i'm gonna miss all the things about you i already miss

it's been a long time

it's been a long time since i felt this way since i've gone to bed with a smile on my face since i've felt like i haven't given myself just enough rope to hang and it's been a long time since i let myself see how we've gotten to this place where we are now and we fought so hard to get here i don't think that i'll erase a single moment of this encore bow because we're here again and maybe this time i'll take the right steps make the right choice and learn the math maybe i'll be a little more adept at looking around and seeing what i have maybe you'll make me breakfast in bed and it's been a long time since i put this kind of trust in someone in whom i'd invested so much and i never knew that this gambling game could be so much fun and so easy to play because we're here again and maybe this time i'll take the right steps make the right choice and learn the math maybe i'll be a little more adept at looking around and seeing what i have maybe you'll walk me home under the stars and the sky is raining gray but i am not afraid the sky is raining oh so gray but i am not afraid the sky has rained for days and days and i'm not afraid at all and that i'm not afraid of you is the only conclusion i can draw because we're here again and maybe this time i'll take the right steps make the right choice and learn the math maybe i'll be a little more adept at looking around and seeing what i have maybe you'll hold my hand and I will finally understand

hooked

it's a drug this mouth of yours and i always thought i was such a good girl but i remember when you told me that you wanted to see the whole world and so i drew us up a map i charted out exactly where we'd head i planned it all with a heavy touch and i ignored you when you said we shouldn't get carried away and it did not occur to me that this could all be over soon i have a well-practiced way of over-shooting the moon but i'm hooked i'm fixed i could not get out without help from greater hands than these and you won i give up it's stupid to pretend i could do as i please i could even leave if i wanted to i could even leave and you have heard this all before cause this is what i mumble to myself when i roll over into sleep and i pretend that i am somewhere else somewhere i am safe somewhere i have been before and look, i'm not just a visitor - i have a place to hang my keys just inside the door but maybe you just have good manners and parties are what you like most but it did not occur to me that maybe you were just a good host but i'm hooked i'm fixed i could not get out without help from greater hands than these and you won i give up it's stupid to pretend i could do as i please i could even leave if i wanted to i could even leave

nothing i should cry about

can you believe i've driven 7000 miles since july i could have been back there by now and then some and with the extra 1000 tacked on at the end we could have made it down to sicily and we'd be lying half awake and baking in the hot italian sun and it sure would have been nice but that's not the way it worked out and these thoughts run a train track dare inside my head but it's nothing i should yeah it's nothing i should cry about and the waiting's now beside the point sometimes i forget what the point ever was in lying awake in the middle of the night and waiting on a foreign sun cause i can't trade these highway miles for a one-way ticket home and you can't translate sunsets back to me over a crackling pay phone and it sure would have been nice but that's not the way it worked out and these thoughts run a train track dare inside my head but it's nothing i should it's nothing i should cry about can you believe i've driven 7000 miles since july maybe i should give it a rest go to church on a sunday, read the paper try to clean up some of this mess that i've let accumulate in your absence for too long you know, i always thought of myself as something of a neat freak but i guess i was wrong and i guess i was wrong about a lot of things i was wrong not to trust this and i can feel the worry slipping out of me with a steady hum and a steady hiss cause i talked to you just a little while ago and all you had to say was that you're finally coming home

you still wait for me

i can smell fall like the savior coming in sharp through the air and somehow your scent got tangled up in there and the green of your eyes is found in every turning leaf and with every one that falls i pick it up try to save another piece this business of keeping you in my pockets of keeping you from slipping farther away well now we have different seasons 'cause there's the chill of an early fall here these days but we already had different skies and different stars at different times so i suppose we can learn to weather this system as well so tell me what the weather's like there tell me anything at all like what you thought about this morning while you sat and watched the rain fall and what you thought about while you were counting the days by the hour and tell me the novelty's still in our novel and this hasn't yet gone sour and tell me you still wait for me to come home and lights are going down all around me tonight in Ravenna as i sit this one out and i watch the racing around of the rails under wooden cars and your face is the backdrop of every falling star and with every one that falls i make a wish to end up where you are and an early night is passing quickly into a quickly fading dawn and soon the sun will rise and try to burn clean my memory but i will hold on if you'll tell me you still wait to kiss my lips and touch my face to feel the pulse of a thousand misspent days racing beneath the hand that holds my cheek and tell me you still want me for your own and that you bless me at random in case i sneeze while i'm away from home you told me that you'd never lie and i believe you so tell me you still wait for me and tell me you still pray for me and tell me you still wait for me to come home

after i'm gone

how long will you love me after i'm gone will you give me five minutes to get out the door will you still be holding on to all the things i did wrong will you still be keeping score and we're turning white yeah we're fading fast and the credits have rolled past and off the screen they've gone into the sky or wherever it is they go off to chase some unattainable dream and i wonder if you knew that we'd end up this way with no desire to talk it out and nothing to say i wonder if you knew but were just afraid to speak cause i always have to be right and you were sure i'd disagree and how long will you love me after i'm gone will you give me five minutes to get down our street to turn into traffic with my flashers on a hazard to all that i meet and we're turning pale so see-through we've become i used to think that we'd be two of the fortunate ones and i guess we're still here still alive and full of luck some would kill to still be standing after lightening had twice struck and i wonder if you knew this is how it would end a shade or two darker than i normally recommend a joke that fell flat on too-attentive ears a black line straight through the record of these years and i wonder if you knew that we'd end up this way with no desire to talk it out and nothing to say i wonder if you knew but were just afraid to speak cause i always have to be right and you were sure you were positive you were so sure i'd disagree

sparkler

could you listen to what i'm saying could i have your attention don't believe me when i can't finish every half-formed sentence try to drag it out of me and i don't know why it's so hard for me to say the things i need to say so maybe i'll start with something easy on this holiday happy fourth of july baby here's a handful of sparks for you to see me better by here in the summer dark do you remember that crazy walk we took you turned your ankle in the three am dark and it was strange because the moon was just about to rise and we stopped to rest on that crumbling wall and i heard the stars tell me not to fall like they do but all i could see were those baby blue eyes and i said happy fourth of july baby here's a handful of sparks for you to see me better by here in the summer dark and maybe it has a lot to do with what surrounds me but i can't imagine not having you around me i don't want to go home but my time here is drawing to a close and i have to gather up my things and go but i know i'll see you soon so happy fourth of july baby i wish we could watch fireworks go out with a bang and a sizzle and burn away all this hurt and happy fourth of july baby here's a handful of sparks for you to remember me better by here in the summer dark

too far gone

i lie awake and listen to you breathe and i count the spaces in between as you fall fast and hard and deep into a sleep that i can't question and i know that you can't hear as i lay out point by point so clear this map of cowardice and fear this half-hearted hope and suggestion and it's supposed to be easier in the dark so imagine how i feel in the day with my addictions showing on both sleeves and my face on display and i find fault in everything in every single thing i do cause i have tried but i cannot hide this terrible falling into you it's sunday night, we're building fires and i'm threading invisible flame-proof wires between me and you cause i've never been one to just let it burn oh look what a little spark can do and my heart caught flame became a runaway under a different name and i didn't see it sneak out i didn't see it leave i didn't see it hail a taxi and pull right to your front door and by the time i noticed what was going on well i couldn't get it back it was too far gone and i find fault in everything in every single thing i do cause i have tried but i cannot hide this terrible falling into you and i don't want to lose me again i was so hard to find i don't want to lose me again i don't want to lose this time and this is too far gone

credits:

all songs written by vanessa peters

all songs copyright little sandwich music, 2003

cd recorded at l.o.e. laboratories in dallas, texas

cd recorded and mixed by lindsay graham, with assistance from trey kazee and vanessa peters

cd mastered at crystal clear sound in dallas, texas

cd produced by lindsay graham, trey kazee, and vanessa peters

vanessa peters: acoustic guitar and vocals on all tracks

lindsay graham: acoustic guitar, bass guitar, organ, piano, lap steel, cognac glass

brian beadle: drums and percussion

ward williams: resonator guitar and pedal steel guitar

jaron pitts: cello

trey kazee: cognac glass

Unreleased:

Presented here is an early version of "Gone" recorded live at the Vintage Bar in Houston, TX.

Gone (live 07.18.03) | mp3 (8.5MB)

Lyrics:

gone

well it was barely six in the morning as I stumbled out of bed and buckled on my shoes and strapped my heavy pack onto my tired back and walked out with nothing left to lose and it was nearly seven when the train pulled in the platform full of people headed to work and back home again but they could tell I only had a one-way ticket sadness on my face and they wanted no part of it and then I was gone and then I was gone and then I was gone and then I was.... but I kept my face pressed to the window I swear I could see it still though we were ten miles down the road cause look, there's the tower and a field of yellow flowers all turned to face the sun's early morning glow and look, there's the man who never knew my name but he said good morning every morning just the same and he asked if you're so sad to be leaving then why do you have to go? and I just looked at him and said I don't know... and then I was gone and then I was gone and then I was gone and then I was.... and I can barely remember getting off the plane I don't remember my family calling out my name and everything around me should have been so familiar but even English sounded foreign and strange and then it hit me that I was gone that I was gone that I was gone and now I am

You can purchase Sparkler from the following locations:

CD Baby
PayPal
My Texas Music
iTunes